The Pile I’m Standing In

My friend Amy recently sent me this link - the summary of Charles Darwin’s typical daily schedule. According to Darwin’s son, Francis, he rarely changed this routine, even when guests were visiting.

I’m not suggesting I could in any way maintain such a rigid, unchanging schedule, but a few things struck me as I thought about this over these last extremely busy weeks in the Zug Haus.

A time for everything. Darwin set aside time to “read his letters,” to work in his study, and to walk. There was also a huge chunk of time in the middle of the day for resting and spending time with his family. After lunch he “answered his letters.”

I am incredibly undisciplined in setting aside time for specific tasks, and feel overwhelmed most of the day because my mind is divided between many priorities. Darwin sat down to “read his letters,” then came back to “answer his letters” another time. I read my email all day long, and half the time I never respond because I’m reading the email while involved with another task and I just forget. I like the idea of setting aside time just for reading and responding to correspondence, and closing gmail for the rest of the day.

My face twitched a little just thinking about it. I think the mental withdrawal will be excruciating, but that only confirms it needs to be done.

Know your best time to focus. According to Darwin’s son, 8-9:30 was his best time for focused work. I’m still trying to figure this one out for myself, as it seems my best time for focused work is whenever the spirit moves me. If I’m not feeling inspired to do something, it’s maddening to force myself to do it. And yes, I often feel inspired to clean, or do laundry, so it’s not like my inspiration is biased to all the fun things.

Exercise. I know it’s been a theme at This Pile lately, the lack of exercise I’m engaging in. But seriously, it keeps coming up. In his schedule, Darwin walked, then worked, then walked, ate lunch, answered letters, and rested; then worked, then walked again. His son indicated the distance of his walk “depended on his health,” which implies he walked even if he didn’t feel that great

Sometimes I wonder if I take my exercising (or lack thereof) too seriously. Granted, I have a gym membership so I shouldn’t waste that money, but what if I was a little less intense about the purpose of my exercise? Walking is good. I moves and stretches my muscles, it clears the mind, and if done outside it provides fresh air. Maybe I need to set aside goals of losing weight or running a 5K and just focus on working hard, then taking a walk.

Over the Christmas break I implemented one of these things. I sent my over 500 emails to an archived folder, which left just the ten emails needing immediate action in my inbox. My goal is to respond to emails once a day before archiving them, keeping my inbox to just one page. So far this is working, and I only have 20 emails needing attention - most of which just came in this morning. Hopefully those of you who normally get frustrated with me for not answering emails have noticed I’m actually responding to you!

For a great “map” of an effective work flow, Trisha posted one from the Getting Things Done model.

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What is your trusted system of getting things done?

This week’s Link Love is inspired by a story I heard on KUOW recently while driving. It was the story linked below, called School Closure Jockeying.

For some reason, Seattle is closing down schools. I admit I don’t know exactly why (we live in the Renton district), but I think it has to do with budget shortfalls. An elementary school in a white upper middle class neighborhood in West Seattle was on this list to be closed, which obviously alarmed parents. They rallied. They raised their voices. They made t-shirts. Parents in West Seattle saved their own school by throwing an “under resourced” school under the bus.

They so much as admitted it on the radio - that they took advantage of their socio-economic status to influence the school closure decision -

AND SHE ADMITS: SOME OF THE FACTORS THAT LED ARBOR HEIGHTS TO POINT THE FINGER AT COOPER AND RAINIER BEACH ARE THE SAME THINGS THAT GIVE ARBOR HEIGHTS AN ADVANTAGE IN THE CLOSURE PROCESS.

ARBOR HEIGHTS DOESN’T HAVE A MAJORITY OF FAMILIES IN POVERTY. COOPER AND RAINIER BEACH DO. POVERTY AFFECTS A SCHOOL’S POPULARITY, WHICH IS A FACTOR IN THE CLOSURE PROCESS. AND RILEY SAYS POVERTY ALSO AFFECTS HOW EASY IT IS FOR PARENTS TO ORGANIZE WHEN THEIR SCHOOL IS UNDER THE GUN.

Rainier Beach High School seems to be spared for now, but this saddened and angered me. I am saddened that children in these “under resourced” schools (which is the new code word for “at risk” schools) continue to face obstacles in achieving success. I am angered by the arrogance and conniving of the West Seattle parents, who disregarded the already fragile nature of “under resourced” children in “under resourced” neighborhoods.

I have only been involved in Renton’s public school system for four months, so I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. But I’ve seen a glimpse of this fact: children and families need neighborhood connections to succeed. This much I know.

Our school’s socio-economic demographic is very similar to that of Rainier Beach, which I suppose is why this issue concerns me so much. What follows is a timeline of stories from KUOW relating to education in Southeast Seattle. I apologize for the all caps in some places - I’m not shouting at you, but simply copied and pasted the formatted text from KUOW’s website.

Seattle’s Southeast Education Initiative and School Reform
An hour long discussion on how to draw neighborhood students back into Rainier Beach High School. The perception vs. reality of the school is discussed, as well as ways the district is working to increase class options and other programs.

This story aired September 2007. Little did they know at the time that all the effort and resources to help make this a more successful school would be potentially derailed by a group of parents and school board members from West Seattle - half a world away, in so many respects, from Rainier Beach.

“Schools are the responsibility of the entire community. If schools are going to be successful in Seattle it’s going to be because parents are at the table.”

“The extra curricular activities are not supported by the school district, they’re supported by the parents. And parents who are struggling economically do not have the time and resources to put into the classroom and to donate to the schools.”

Why parents bail on Southeast Seattle schools
GOODLOE–JOHNSON: “I’m always interested in getting perspectives about why parents make choices and how we can be stronger in systems and if there’s things we need to look at that perhaps we haven’t thought of before.”

Schools brace for closures

School Closure Jockeying
SHELLEY WILLIAMS HAS TWO KIDS AT COOPER. SHE WENT THERE WHEN SHE WAS A KID. SHE COMPARES THE CLOSURE PROCESS TO A BOARD GAME. AND SAYS A LOT OF PARENTS AT COOPER DON’T EVEN KNOW THE RULES.

WILLIAMS: “We have 6 parents I can think of right off the top of my head who have been in this country less than two years, and spent more than two years prior in a refugee camp. They don’t even know this system.”

SO SHE WONDERS, HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY BE EXPECTED TO ORDER T–SHIRTS, SHOW UP TO SCHOOL BOARD MEETINGS, GIVE PUBLIC TESTIMONY, AND TALK TO THEIR SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS?

High schools spared
THE CHOICE POLICY LETS PARENTS TRY TO GET THEIR CHILDREN INTO ANY HIGH SCHOOL IN SEATTLE. IT’S GIVEN SCHOOLS IN MIDDLE–CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS HUGE WAITLISTS, WHILE IT’S DRAINED SCHOOLS IN POORER NEIGHBORHOODS AND GIVEN THEM STUDENT BODIES THAT MOSTLY LIVE IN POVERTY. THOSE SCHOOLS HAVE BEEN THE MOST VULNERABLE TO CLOSURE.

Everyone is looking out for themselves - the parents, their children,

I meant to post this last week when we were all buried in snow. I was most definitely not enjoying myself the way this dog is, but it made me smile anyway. Thanks to Lee LeFever for the twitter link!

“Maybe like me, instead of hard circumstances causing you to cling deeply to Him and to meditate on your relationship with him, you allow it to divert your focus away from Him.”

I’ve been meditating on this post by Wendy all week. Well, sort of. The truth is I remembered that I’d read it, and that it resonated with me, but it passed so quickly in and and out of my distracted mind that there was no real meditation at all. Just a nagging feeling that I should go back to it again and read it more slowly… and with my brain turned on.

So now that I’ve done that, I’m sighing with relief that someone else wrote down how I’m feeling so I don’t have to. So just go read that post, and know pretty much what’s going on with me these days.

“We are choked from fruitfulness when we become consumed with the cares of this temporary world….”

I’ve been a surface level kind of girl lately - putting out fires and generally tackling the loudest distraction in the moment just to make it shut up. My container is cracked and leaking from multiple contusions. I can’t hold a thought or motivate to action. The other night I had drinks with a friend, and I couldn’t think clearly enough to calculate a tip.

I am stressed. I am grouchy. I am anxious.

It occurred to me recently that when I feel overwhelmed it doesn’t draw me closer to God. Not immediately. It’s not my first reaction. I prefer to spin my wheels, turn in circles, and take care of myself. Sort of. But in attempting to take care of myself I actually run myself into the ground.

And THEN I grasp into the air for God.

“Many Christians are more convinced of the reality of their daily problems than the reality of their God.”

My circumstances loom large over me. Always. I cling to my success or failure at just making it through the day, and give myself extra points if I make it without a stain on my shirt. I haven’t always felt like this. For most of 2008 I felt exactly the opposite of this. I’ve been radiant, balanced, and content even if circumstances were not stellar. But December’s got me down.

My bread machine broke today and I cried. It fell on the floor and warped and now the door won’t stay closed. I cried because I couldn’t fix it, and I couldn’t go back in time to before it fell and push it back just a little from the edge of the counter. And I cried because right now it just feels like nothing could ever replace the bread machine I loved so much.

But given a little hindsight, maybe it wasn’t really the bread machine I was crying about.

“I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you…” (Ephesians 1:18).

It is now one week after I wrote these thoughts, and I’m thankful I chose to hold off on publishing them. I woke up Christmas Eve feeling despair and weight. I wondered whether I was being overcome by depression or if I was choosing to wallow - this is always my question, now, when I dip into dark places - Am I falling into darkness because I do not look into The Light?

But by late afternoon, after the multi-vitamins with an extra dose of Vitamin B kicked in, we braved the snowy roads to our Christmas Eve service. Surrounded by candlelight and children’s voices and music about the savior who came to redeem us, who humbled himself and became one of us - suddenly I remembered it isn’t about me. That no matter what happens around me or inside my head, Jesus is still the Giver of Hope.

December was blue, but I am already feeling hopeful.

“From that time many of His disciples went back, and walked no more with him.” John 6:66
When God gives a vision by His Spirit through His word of what He wants, and your mind and soul thrill to it, if you do not walk in the light of that vision, you will sink into servitude to a point of view which Our Lord never had. Disobedience in mind to the heavenly vision will make you a slave to points of view that are alien to Jesus Christ…. When you find that a point of view in which you have been delighting clashes with the heavenly vision and you debate, certain things will begin to develop in you - a sense of property and a sense of personal right, things of which Jesus Christ made nothing.
-Oswald Chambers

I read this from Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest this morning, and it struck a note. Over the years I’ve come to disagree with much of Chambers’ theology as I’ve become more reformed in mine, but he is still filled with nuggets of wisdom.

The verse Chambers quotes from John 6 refers to the occasion in which Jesus draws a line in the sand. He declares he is the Son of God, the Bread of Life, that anyone who believes in him will have eternal life with the Father. When many of the disciples heard this, they said it was a “hard teaching,” and deserted him. When Jesus asked The Twelve Disciples if they also wished to leave, Simon Peter said, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”

I like the way Chambers puts it - you will sink into servitude to a point of view in which Our Lord never had. In other words, when I disagree with or lose sight of Jesus - his hope, his truth, his vision, his healing, his rest, etc. - I will fall captive to something else, and it will not be beneficial to me.

I think of my anger, which comes from my selfishness and need to be in control. When I think only of myself, I become angry at others who thwart my comfort. When I set aside my perceived needs and desires to follow Jesus, I take on his “point of view,” which is love, kindness, service, etc.

Reminds me also of Paul in Romans 6 -

Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness (Romans 6:16-18).

Today feels like a New Day after several weeks of chaos and lack of routine. I feel refreshed and ready put my universe back in order - mind, body, and soul. Today, I focus on these words from Jesus’ disciples in prayer for the priorities of my heart to be set correctly -

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”

—

When have you felt like a “deserter?” How were you drawn back as His disciple?

I grew up eating this dessert. My mom made it on all occasions, and sometimes Just Because. It involves a chocolate Rice Krispie crust (which I always tried to steal pieces of as a kid), and two kinds of ice cream. For Christmas I used Peppermint and Mint Chocolate Chip, but another great combination is Cookies and Cream with Mint Chocolate Chip, or Cookie Dough with Chocolate Fudge, or something peanut buttery with something chocolatey.

You get the idea.

Melt a package of chocolate chips in a double boiler with about 6 tablespoons of butter. Stir in four cups Rice Krispie cereal.

Press into a 9×11 baking pan and chill until hardened. Set first half gallon of ice cream out to soften.

When ice cream is soft enough to handle, press into pan over Rice Krispie crust. Freeze until hardened while you soften second half gallon of ice cream.

Press the second layer of ice cream into the pan, and refreeze.

Isn’t it beautiful?!

Moses Cooks
We met Moses several months ago - he goes to our church and we started attending the same community group as him. Our community group begins with a pot luck dinner, and he always brings a home made, baked from scratch, dessert. Not something you expect from a guy with tattooed eyebrows. He loves to cook and bake, and twitters a lot about his creations - and now he has a cooking blog for his vegetarian dishes.

Anguish - Living Palm
I’ve had a rough December, and this short post captures how I’m starting to feel about it.

Brevity - The Rabbit Room
My friend sent me this link and said, “made me think of why you say you like twitter so much.” Anything that serves as a Twitter evangelist, in my opinion, is worth linking to.

Apparently I’m taking a blogging break. If you want to keep up with me, I’m still going strong on Twitter.

It’s been snowing here for 40 days and 40 nights. The running metaphor among Seattle residents is from The Shining, in which Jack Nicholson goes crazy while snowed in at a remote resort for the winter. Seattle owns something like 20 snow plows for all its roads. Renton owns six. The Puget Sound area has chosen to not use salt on the road for melting ice in defense of the environment.

All this adds up to a gagillion people stuck in their homes, riding tricycles down hallways while chanting, “REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!”

So, Merry Christmas to you. And if I make it out of Snowpocalypse 2008 with all my faculties intact, you’ll hear from me again.

Buzz Light Year: Hey, you wanna go for a fly?

Optimus Prime: I can’t. I don’t have wings.

Buzz Light Year: You could pretend your arms are wings!

Optimus Prime: Hey, I have a great idea! I saw some wings at the store!

[insert wing attachment sound effects]

Optimus Prime: Okay, let’s go! Wanna go to the park?

I hesitate to mention this because I feel like such a whiner, but I just can’t seem to get into Christmas this year. Jesus, shopping, family, friends, baking - whatever Christmas represents, I’m not feelin’ it.

We’re not traveling this year, and even though I love visiting family, I look forward to the years we spend in our own home with our own traditions. We usually head out to get a tree and do all our Christmas decorating on the weekend after Thanksgiving.

It didn’t happen this year, and now I fear I’m missing my window of opportunity. As I sit in my darkened basement alone, thinking about it, certain factors come to mind.

Death. Christmas is a season of life and new birth, but I feel heavy. I lost my dog a few weeks ago, and four Christmases ago my family anticipated losing Gordy at any time. He finally passed on January 3rd.

Lethargy. Several months ago I became discouraged by one injury after another, and quit going to the gym. I told myself I would replace running with some other exercise, but frankly I’m being a big pouter. I love to run - as much for the mental stimulation as for the physical. I do not move my body anymore, and I feel like a 95 year old woman.

Balance. I feel buried by projects and Things Undone. On Friday I treated myself to an hour of writing - which refreshed me beyond words - but otherwise I have not engaged in things that re-create me. I work, I waste time, and I flop into bed exhausted. The Pile seems never-ending.

Sanity. Perhaps I’m in a funk. Other than the heaviness of remembering Loss, I have a good life. I’m the healthiest I’ve been emotionally and spiritually, Bryan and I are groovy, and I’m aware of the many material and relational blessings of my life. I really have nothing to complain about, which leads me to consider (mild) depression. I normally take a regimen of herbal supplements to combat The Blues, and I sort of keep forgetting to take my pills. I get the feeling I should really try harder at that.

I’m not sure why all of this came out as I sat down to write about my Christmas Mix - it’s not exactly a festive introduction. But this mix makes me smile, and the process of putting it together busied the half of my brain that needed to be busied so I could ponder all this sorrow I feel with the other half of my brain.

As I listen to this mix over and over, I’m reminded of how much I love O Come, O Come, Emmanuel. Of all the verses available, I find it curious Sufjan Stevens chose to record the ones he did. It seems to fit my mood right now, and I find comfort in the repeating refrain of Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!
Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!
Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!

It doesn’t strike me until just now that in the song Israel is rejoicing for the Messiah they have yet to know. They are rejoicing in the hope of things unseen. I think this is where I settle, lately, during the Darker Days. I settle into quiet contemplation, feeling lonely and sorrowful, but with rejoicing hope that I know my savior will carry me through to the other side.

In that respect, depression has never felt so good.

For this reason, I purposely chose to end the mix with Emmylou Harris’ There’s a Light. I want the last song echoing in my mind to be a reminder of the Light in the darkness, of the Rain in the desert, of the Keeper of our hearts.

There’s a light, there’s a light in the darkness
And the black of the night cannot harm us
We can trust not to fear for our comfort is near
There’s a light, there’s a light in the darkness

It will rain it will rain in the desert
In the cracks of the plain there’s a treasure
Like the thurst of the seed we will await we believe
It will rain it will rain in the desert

We will fly we will fly we will let go
To this world we will die but our hearts know
We’ll see more on that side when the door opens wide
We will fly we will fly we will fly we will fly
We will all go

Merry Christmas, and I hope you enjoy my special Christmas mix, He Is Born.

—

How do you feel at Christmas time? Do you easily rejoice and make merry? What revs you up to celebrate? Do you struggle with fatigue and depression? What inspires you in the darkness?

Over the last couple years I’ve learned what circumstances trigger my rage episodes, and they are as follows:

Low blood sugar - If I go too long without eating, or if I eat all the wrong things, watch out! When my blood sugar gets low I feel frantic, anxious, on edge, and my patience is on a very short leash. I yell at the nearest person or dog at the slightest provocation. When my blood sugar is low, I definitely feel out of control of myself.

Running Late - If I need to be somewhere in five minutes but Thomas is not moving fast enough for me, he is screwed. Poor kid. And he’s one to freeze in the face of conflict and stress, too, so the more angry and impatient I get, the more he freezes up, which only increases my impatience. It’s a quick ride to CrazyTown when we get into that loop.

Too Busy - Occasionally we get into a week when we’re never home. Laundry piles up, clutter builds up, and dishes don’t get done. Sometimes the kids don’t get to bed at a decent hour, and I’m so tired at the end of the day I crash into bed without any sort of mental recharging. When going at a pace like this, my body aches and my brain hurts. Literally.

PMS - I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. I started tracking things related to my cycle several months ago, and as it turns out I’m a complete irrational bitch the day before I start my period. Not the week before, not two days before, but the 24 hours before I start.

Well guess what? The last two weeks have been a perfect storm of all these challenges, and I’ve been rough on my family. But this is not to imply “the devil made me do it” or any other such blame shifting. I’m the first to admit I create most of these scenarios because I’m selfish and easily distracted.

99% of the times I run late it’s because I was doing something I shouldn’t have been doing rather than getting everyone ready to go. And running late is usually the reason I forget to eat a meal, which makes me insanely grouchy as we’re rushing out the door behind schedule.

Sometimes I can’t help how busy we are. We generally do a pretty good job of saying no to things and leaving white spaces on our calendar, but on occasion everything just happens to land during the same week, and I can’t really do anything about it.

What I would like to be able to say after a stretch like this, is that it was a hard week but I managed to find peace and focus in Jesus. I would like to be able to say I resisted the urge to give in to my anger during these weak moments, and breathed deep from the Holy Spirit. I would like to be able to say I put others before myself and stayed on task, thereby avoiding 75% of these situations altogether.

But I can’t say this.

Yet.

Or at least not all the time.

Definitely not this week.

But there’s always tomorrow.

Partners In Crime: Sibling SuperPowers Unite! - PBS Supersisters blog
A great story of how two kids worked to pool together their resources to make a large purchase. What I particularly love about the story is the way each kid used his or her strengths to make it work so no kid was left behind. Bryan and I have been discussing the issue of allowances - when and how and if we should give our kids money. This definitely got me thinking about possibilities in a new direction.

I would also be interested to hear your thoughts on allowances in the comments.

Recession Hits Holiday Giving - KUOW.org
“As an At-Home mom I sometimes feel powerless in my ability to contribute to the financial welfare of the family, but I discovered I was wrong.”
I heard this story early in the morning one day last week while holed up in my office before the kids woke up. It wasn’t a particularly earth shattering story, but the above quote caught my attention so I went back and listened to it again once it was posted online.

I’ve had conversations with other stay at home moms where an insecurity was expressed (or implied) at not contributing financially to the household. Sometimes it’s in the context of anxiety over financial hardship, sometimes in the context of not wanting to ask for things like a night out alone to regroup or to pursue a hobby.

I appreciated this woman’s perspective - that even though she doesn’t bring in the money, she found value in her frugal management of it, and saw this as a significant contribution to the household.

Two-faced - Beautiful Sorta
I liked this idea of making up only half your face and leaving the other half bare, then taking a picture. Alison would love to get your picture for posting on her new blog.

It’s Been a Long Time - one-change.com
In my writing I’ve been exploring our family dynamic - how we make decisions of how to spend our time, things we do together, things we do apart, etc. Mollie’s post resonated with me in this regard, in making intentional decisions together as a couple and moving in the same direction. During past seasons, Bryan and I have moved in separate directions doing separate things, but the more we find our way around each other, the more we realize our family is most at peace when we move together to do the same things. If this isn’t making any sense, I apologize. I predict a full blog post on the subject very soon.

The Thankfulness Tree - PBS Supersisters
I realize Thanksgiving is over, but it’s never to late to pay tribute to all the blessings we have to be thankful for. This is a great craft project that’s fun to do as a family. I think we may attempt a version of it for Christmas this year.

It was rainy over Thanksgiving weekend, but that didn’t stop us from getting out. Thomas and a friend spent some time together doing boy things, which involved riding bikes and playing with Transformers, to name just a couple. There was also talk of Kung Fu Panda and Light Saber battles.

The cupcake shop was golden with boys the afternoon we were there - at one point I counted SIX, with no girls in sight, save the mothers.

Lately my neighborhood has felt very Mayberry-like. Firemen blow their horns and wave at my son as they blaze by with lights and sirens blaring, and I run into parents from the bus stop while ordering a cappuccino at the coffee shop. Thomas calls one of our neighborhood friends The Funny Man, as in “MOMMY CAN WE GO FOLLOW THE FUNNY MAN?”

I have many things to be thankful for, including boys, friends, and a great urban neighborhood.

Ruthie does! And she’ll sing ‘em for ya!

But first I would like to point out her cheeks. Aren’t they just yummy?! I saw those cheeks on an ultrasound photo when I was 26 weeks pregnant, and they have always been adorable.

Also, the level of her concentration impressed me. Maybe if you’re not her mother you don’t notice, but she’s very focused on the finger movements and the snapping. She’s working that brain, big time!

And yes, she appears to be singing to the tune of The Adams Family.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

This is a pretty foundational concept in the Zug Haus, though some of us (…ahem…) don’t always execute it gracefully. As Believers we give grace because we have been given grace - though usually I demand grace for myself and justice for others.

Ruthie is an apple that did not fall far from the tree.

Much like me, she is quick to turn hot, and quick to turn cold - saying hurtful things she doesn’t really mean, then smoothing it over with a quick apology. Over and over and over again.

(Did I mention she is my carbon copy?! It’s frightening, really.)

“I’M NOT GONNA BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!” and “YOU’RE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!” are the popular declarations.

My patience has been enormous in this area. I guess I have a superhuman load of compassion for Ruthie’s anger, and spend a lot of time in prayer begging God to help me help her figure out all that passion before she’s, say, thirty-five and swimming in postpartum hormone surges.

(That was not fun).

My patience ran out just a little bit tonight - partly because I’m PMS-ing, but mostly because she told ME I wasn’t invited to her birthday party.

“OH YEAH?!” I screamed back at her up the stairs. ‘IF IT WEREN’T FOR ME YOU WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY!”

I just snorted my wine as I read back through that last sentence. It’s so nice to be able to laugh at myself. I wanted to throw her out the window in the moment, but after the fact? It makes for a hilarious line in a blog post.

Anyway.

I hauled out the Big Guns tonight while she was in her time out, and I read the above verse to myself. All through this struggle with her temper we’ve talked about love being kind, that love never gives up being a friend, that we love others even when they frustrate us - most of which is found in I Corinthians 13.

And while all that is true, it’s really first and foremost about Jesus.

So when she came downstairs I read her this verse, and I asked her if Jesus waited until we were nice to him before he died. She laughed. Of course not! was her basic answer.

We talked about how the people Jesus loved were mean to him, but he still loved them, and that’s how he wants us to love others.

A little while later Ruthie and Thomas were squabbling over a game of Candyland, and Ruthie blurted out, “I’M NOT GONNA - ”

She slapped her hands over her mouth and looked at me wide-eyed. I smiled and winked at her, and she smiled back.

And then it hit me.

“Ruthie,” I said, “I can tell Thomas was really frustrating you. Instead of yelling at him about not being his friend anymore - because I know you don’t mean that - why don’t you just tell him you’re really frustrated?”

And you know what? She told Thomas she was really frustrated.

Sometimes I feel like the most dominating aspect of being a parent is rather CSI-like, always following the trail of clues past all the bullshit to find out what the heart of the issue is. It’s a hair-pulling experience, but when I finally crack the case it’s always liberating to feel like I know what makes my daughter tick, and how to help her connect all the dots about who Jesus is.