Me: “Stop biting your nails.”
Thomas: “No!”
Me: “Come on, I’ll clip ’em when we get home.”
Thomas: “No cwipping! It’s mo bettah this way, you should twy it!”
Fingernails: It’s What’s For Dinner
Author: jenzug
Deep In the Pile.
What a gross morning.
I yelled a lot this morning.
As I’m yelling, I know I shouldn’t be yelling, but I yell anyway.
It’s like I can’t stop myself.
I know I can, but I don’t. And it’s gross.
It’s gross because in the moment I feel so much better when I’m yelling.
I feel better, but whoever is at the other end obviously does not.
And that’s gross.
Why they call it WORK.
I’ve always had a tendency to quit things when they get hard. Or at least WANT to quit. I definitely WHINE a lot.
Since I can’t really quit parenting, I do a lot of whining about that.
A LOT of Whining.
There is much whining.
Imagine my surprise (oh!) when I felt like quitting my job every other day because… wait for it… sometimes it’s hard.
That’s why they call it WORK.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I only wanted to quit on the hard days, but on the super duper easy days I was all, I WANT TO DO THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I think I’m a bit more tempered now. I recognize my job for what it is: an opportunity to earn a little money doing something I enjoy and that I’m really good at. I mean, how many people can say they work at a job they really enjoy? We may tolerate it, we may enjoy it for what it is, but I think it’s pretty awesome that what I’m doing is kinda perfect for me.
Miss you! Love you! See you soon!
I think I’m getting my writing mojo back.
January and February were crazy months, and I spent March recovering and remembering what normal life looks like. April is… how do I describe April?
Hmmm…
April will go down as the month I re-envisioned myself and set sail on a same-but-different course.
I can’t wait to tell you all about it. But it’s 11:30 right now, and sleep is a part of my New Plan. But I have eight (8! EIGHT! Ocho!) draft essays in my blog folder just ITCHING to come out.
As soon as I have time.
Sexy Too Soon? Body Image, Media, and Self Esteem
Tonight I have the privilege of participating in a panel discussion in the Pathways Lecture Series with ParentMap on the subject of girls, body image, and self esteem.
I really don’t know how this happens, how I end up on a panel with people who have expensive titles and degrees bookmarking their names, particularly when I blog about twice a quarter these days.
I’m grateful to my peep, Jenny on the Spot, for floating my name to the organizers. To prepare myself, I will spend the day flexing my brain muscles & trying to finish at least one sentence in hopes that I will be somewhat coherent by tonight.
Also, I will flat iron my hair.
If you are local to Seattle and have an extra twenty bucks, I would love to have you join the conversation. If you can’t make it and still want to eavesdrop, be sure to follow my twitter stream (@jenzug) or the #sexytoosoon twitter hashtag.
I will also be joined by these fabulous friends:
Jenny Ingram – Jenny on the Spot / @JennyOnTheSpot
Taraneh Guidry – Seattle Mommy / @SeattleMommy
Giyen Kim – Bacon Is My Enemy / @Giyen
Maya Bisineer – Think Maya / @ThinkMaya
Leslie Flinger – Mrs. Flinger / @MrsFlinger
Mandy Morrison – Harper’s Happenings @teammandy
Brett Nordquist – Nordquist / @Akula
Would also love your thoughts on the subject, so please leave a comment here.
Here is a little bit from the event page:
Is six the new 16? When did 8-year-olds start wearing glitter makeup and skimpy skirts? And why do 6-year-olds prefer Hannah Montana and High School Musical to Curious George and The Electric Company?
This panel will discuss the pressures that today’s girls feel regarding their body image, sexuality and social status. What’s the new “normal†when it comes to makeup, minis, and tight, trendy, tees? What does “sexy†really mean these days? And where are the grown-ups while all this fast-tracking is going on?
Point taken. Zipping my lip, now.
She Got Up Off the Couch
Occasionally I work long hours after the kids go to bed, and Monday was one of those nights. I was a little manic, and despite being tired I couldn’t shut my brain off. As I tried to tear myself away from the laptop and just Leave It All Undone, I remembered how I gazed longingly at the Shelfari line-up in my blog’s side bar recently.
Those were some mighty fine books I used to read, I thought. I kinda miss those days.
So I pulled this off the bookcase and read until I dozed off and the book crash-landed on my face.
It’s a follow-up memoir to one I read last year titled, A Girl Named Zippy, and this one promises to be just as good.
Then Tuesday, as I sat in my car waiting for Ruthie’s bus and obsessively checking my work email (I’m telling you, I tend toward work-a-holism), I realized I’d be better off leaving the iPhone at home and reading a book while I wait instead.
I seem to be making a transition re my devices. My computer and iPhone are no longer the avenues by which I connect with the outside world for community and entertainment, but are now tools used for work, and work is definitely something I need to cut off with some pretty clear boundaries.
Eeyore Attitudes & Slippery Slope Theories
David was a shepherd, but when God looked at him, he saw a king.
Sure enough, when David grew up, that’s just what he became. And David was a great king. He had a heart like God’s heart – full of love.
Now, that didn’t mean he was perfect, because he did some terrible things – he even murdered a man. No, David made a big mess of his life. But God can take even the biggest mess and make it work in his plan.
“I need a new heart, Lord,” David prayed, “because mine is full of sin. Make me clean inside.”
God heard David’s prayer. He forgave David and he made David a promise: “I will make you great, David. And one day, a King will be born into your family, and he will heal the whole world.”
– The Jesus Storybook Bible
I tend to let my vision for the future be clouded by what’s right in front of me.
If I’m having a busy week, I tend to go all Eeyore on Bryan and whine about how it’s ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS WAY. Then we both laugh at my folly when the weekend comes and we’re sipping margaritas on the deck while giving each other foot massages.
Okay, that hasn’t happened yet, but you get the idea.
After catching my daughter in another lie this afternoon – just one in a long succession of lies that I’m constantly sniffing out – my eyes began to glaze over with the idea that I’m raising a lying liar.
Because surely, this is a slippery slope to a dime in the state penn, right?
I understand my daughter’s issues clearly, because she struggles in all the same ways I did do. When I was a kid I, too, was a lying liar. I lied about Big Things, and I lied about Stupid Stuff.
I told my mom I was at Jean Donohue’s house when I was really making out with a boy in a parked car. I told my step dad I only stole one cassette tape, when really my whole collection at the time came as a “five finger discount.” I said I was the one driving the car we wrecked so I wouldn’t get in trouble for letting a friend try out a stick shift.
These are the realities I have in the back of my mind every time Ruthie tells me she put her laundry away, when in reality she shoved it under the bed. Because I know. Seriously, I KNOW. The lies will get more complicated, and the liar will get more crafty.
I know this because I invented lying.
So I sit there in my thinking chair and steep in fear, worrying that she’s already gone, that her heart is a stone cold lump of coal, that my work here is futile and there’s nothing left to be done for her.
And through the drama of my drama-filled dramatic thoughts, a story from my kids’ Bible speaks to me profoundly.
Here is what I am reminded of:
- I am still a lying liar. I hide the bills I forget to pay on time, I hide the message I forget to pass on and now it’s too late, I hide the invite to the party I don’t want to attend (not yours, of course. I would never do that).
- God blessed me with a lying liar for a daughter – not to punish me or make me miserable, but because he knew I would empathize with her, love her fiercely in spite of it, and continually point her to Jesus as the truth-giver.
- I did not do ten years in the state penn, despite the fact I am a lying liar.
- My daughter is only seven years old. And she is a cutie pie. And her heart is not (usually) made of coal (kidding!). There is still much work to be done, and I will never give up.
- “God can take even the biggest mess and make it work in his plan.” So even if she does do a dime in the state penn, God will not let go of her.
In the moment of dealing with Ruthie, I tend to forget I do the same thing she does – even now as an adult. I sometimes scold her as if her life is already over, as if the shackles are hanging on the coat rack by the door, ready to slap on her wrists and take her in.
My prayer today is for my heart to remain soft toward her, and to be compassionate. It’s easy to hate what she does, because I hate what I do – but it’s easier to yell at her than it is to yell at myself.
I’m thankful for a God that doesn’t expect us to be perfect, who shows us grace and mercy and kindness. As a parent, I pray I reflect more of this to my kids.
Fancy Solutions
A couple months ago when I started working with Bryan at Lilipip, I was really excited about the creative part of my job – all the writing and aspects of putting together a great animation. But I felt very overwhelmed by the operations tasks I was taking on – namely the multiple bank accounts and slough of monthly bills.
One day I lamented to my friend about how I can barely manage my household finances or stay on top of the accounts for our consulting business, and now I was taking on even MORE?
She very cheerfully said, “Well, when you make some money you can hire someone else to do all that for you!”
Well, my friends, I have arrived.
This month we hired a part time Operations Admin and she is FABULOUS. She does all the work that makes my head hurt, and I kinda think she likes it. I don’t know HOW or WHY she likes it – all I know is she doesn’t groan and pull her hair and curl up into a ball like I do.
p.s. Her name is Fancy. Isn’t that AWESOME?
Ode to the Eldest
My eldest sister with my eldest daughter
I am the youngest of three siblings. My sister is the eldest, and without her presence here this week I think I would have crawled up into a ball under the bed.
She always seemed to know what to do next.
The plan, the schedule, our next meal, where the sticky note needs to go, and what to do with 42 boxes of photo albums – my sister knew what to do about it all, and I – clueless and overwhelmed – happily took direction.
My husband is an eldest brother. Two of my best friends are eldest sisters. Watching my sister lead us through the enormous task of moving our mom reminded me of the qualities I love about all the eldests in my life.
Whether they like it or not, whether they intend to or not, eldests carry a weight of responsibility like it’s built into their DNA. It’s easy for me to give up, to procrastinate and put myself first, but eldests seem to always have the big picture in mind and the entire group’s interests at heart (even if it’s motivated by guilt or duty).
They are habitual leaders, benevolent dictators, natural caretakers.
I worked hard this week, but my sister worked harder. I sacrificed much this week, but my sister was truly sacrificial. All the eldests I know work harder and (seemingly) smarter than anyone else I know. They work first and play later. Maybe. If there’s time and space to play. Otherwise, there is much planning for the future work to be done, always.
I don’t envy the eldests – the nights my husband lays awake, the tough conversations my friend is compelled to initiate, the burden my sister bears. Long ago I slipped into the comfort of letting others take care of me, of letting others lead the way.
Eldests are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and many of their greatest strengths can also be their achilles heal. We may think they’re bossy and overbearing at times, and maybe they take on more than they can handle and don’t ask for help.
But as I watched my sister charge forward into a sea of household possessions – box and tape in hand – despite her own feelings of dread and whelm, I realized what a treasure she is, and what a treasure all eldests are.
Five ladies, three generations, boxes, and wine.
I’m writing this from seat 17B on our flight to Minneapolis, just Ruthie and me. We’re headed to my mom’s for an all girls week, along with my sister and her youngest daughter, Grace.
This trip evolved since I booked the tickets way back in December – I wasn’t working then, but now I have projects to manage in the margins of our vacation. I predict many early mornings and late nights to bookend our busy days together.
And in an ironic twist of Providence, an apartment recently opened up at a retirement community my mom was wait-listed on. The move in date? February 16th – right in the middle of my trip.
What started as a visit to grandma’s house to refresh, regroup, and help prepare my mom for a move at some point in the future, suddenly became a work week of epic proportions.
We land at lunch time, and I imagine we’ll hit the ground running as we hurry to fill boxes before the movers come on Tuesday.
My sister IM’d me yesterday morning, and said she was heading out to Trader Joe’s. “Pick up some three buck Chuck!” I said.
I think we’re going to need it.
The difference between me and Bryan (and how it all works out in the end):
Me: “The bookkeeper said she’ll fill out those tax forms for us to sign.”
Bryan: “Uh, okay. How much will she charge for that?”
Me (thinking to myself): “How much? Huh. Didn’t even think of that. I was just glad I didn’t have to do it.”
Bryan (thinking to himself): “Oiy.” *pulls hair out*
Me (out loud): “I’ll call and ask her.”
Bryan: (out loud): “Sounds great.”
Sundance Day 1: Paparazzi Jen
Yesterday was a little… well… not what I’m used to.
At several points during the day I found myself surrounded by the media, like when Beau Bridges and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar arrived for a panel to discuss the role of social media in promoting their new movie, On the Shoulders of Giants. I was sitting on my tall stool working my streaming video camera with several long camera lenses lurking over my shoulder.
At one point, as I stood next to my stool to stretch my back, I absentmindedly reached over to lean on the backrest and instead found myself leaning on a handsome photographer.
Oops! Well at least it was a comical conversation starter.
As part of our streaming duties we are also assisting tv and internet personality, Shira Lazar, as she wanders around the venue doing “man on the street” type interviews with celebrities. Once again I found myself surrounded by the rush of media as various personalities came in to do their thing on the red carpet.
Our roaming streaming set-up drew quite the interest from the professional cameramen, as I was simply using Bryan’s iPhone attached to a monopod to stream directly via the Ustream Live Broadcast app. Several cameramen filmed ME as I filmed Shira interviewing celebs.
So watch your local entertainment news for the back of my head at Sundance!
We also interviewed Bob Saget, who is a dirty, dirty man. It was quite entertaining, though, and I think I broke cameraman rules by bantering with him during Shira’s interview. I couldn’t help it! It’s not like the iPhone was pressed up against my face like a camera, so he kept looking at me as he went on and on about his horse-like… qualities.
But the creme-de-resistance of the day was the big entrance of Adrian Granier, the handsome lead from HBO’s Entourage. It didn’t go as I imagined though, since he kind of tripped over the bottom of my monopod.
The look he gave me was not the look I was hoping for.
By the end of the evening I was very happy for the open bar with the tray of tequila shots waiting to be snatched up – even IF they were strobing blue lights obnoxiously (said the old fart).
Speaking of old farts, we were pretty wiped by day’s end (which started at 4am), and were in our jammies by 9:00 despite the super cool Tweet House after-party that went on without us until 1am.
I don’t think I’m cut out for this!
Who needs an autograph when you can have a conversation?
We flew into Salt Lake City tonight for the Sundance Film Festival where we’ll be live streaming and producing video at the Tweet House.
While standing in the baggage claim Bryan goes, “Hey, there’s Ted from How I Met Your Mother.”
FIVE FEET AWAY.
I watched a few people ask for his autograph, smile at him while he signed it, then walk away without really saying anything. What was I going to do with an autograph? Go home and show people my signed flight itinerary? #boring.
Besides. Fan Girl isn’t really my thing. I was MUCH more interested in his musical taste, anyway.
I don’t think it’s a mere coincidence that I JUST heard Josh Radnor’s interview on KCRW’s Guest DJ Project in which he featured one of my favorite bands that no one’s ever heard of – Cloud Cult.
Coincidences don’t just happen like that – I think Jesus wanted me to talk to Josh Radnor.
So I did.
“I heard your guest DJ Project on KCRW,” I said. “Cloud Cult is one of my favorite bands.”
“IS IT REALLY?”
I don’t recall if he said IS IT REALLY? exactly, but that was his sentiment. He was excited – the kind of excited you get when you love something totally obscure and you find out someone else not only knows what you’re talking about, but GETS it.
THAT SOMEONE ELSE WAS ME.
We talked about how awesome they are, and how weird we thought it was that KCRW never heard of them, and how PHENOMENAL their live shows are.
“I put one of their songs in my movie, Happythankyoumoreplease!” he said.
I’ve been thinking about that all evening – how Josh Radnor made the movie he wanted to make, and put the music he loves into it, and now people are going to know about Cloud Cult (as they should).
Reminds me a little of Zack Braff and his Garden State – loved the movie, LOVED the soundtrack. In fact, Let Go by Frou Frou is one of my favorite songs, and I heard it first on Garden State.
(I used it here as a soundtrack to a significant day.)
At any rate, here’s what Josh Radnor had to say about Cloud Cult in his KCRW interview:
The lead singer is a guy named Craig Minowa and he and his wife lost their child, a baby, when the kid was about one or two and most of their records have been a response to this grief….when I listen to the Arcade Fire I feel like the world is ending and Cloud Cult makes me feel like the world’s already ended and, like, now where do we go? Everything’s in shards and pieces on the ground and they’re building something new. It’s really like this transformative experience listening to them.
Yes, like the world already ended – now what? I feel that way most of the time, which is probably why I love that band.
But I digress – back to happy topics:
I had a conversation with Josh Radnor today in baggage claim.
—
The live feed:
HOW DO YOU DO IT, EXTROVERTS?!
As I write this, I’m hiding in the dark in our basement family room, recovering.
It hasn’t been a bad day, but a day filled with people nonetheless. And you know how that always goes, that interaction with people.
It’s EXHAUSTING.
I feel like I might bite the nose off the next person who asks me a question, or who points a verbal finger at someone else. Or who looks at me.
Wait, ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME?